More about Pearl

Kyle and I, a neonatologist, and a bereavement specialist were the only ones in the room when Pearl actually passed away.  She had been so sick, the doctor was sure it would only take 5 or 10 minutes for her to go once they pulled the ventilator tube out.  However, she surprised us all, because even though she was completely still and lifeless, her heart just kept beating for a while.  The doctor kept coming over and tenderly stroking Pearl's head and saying, "Hey, sweet pea," in his smooth Southern accent while he checked her heart beat.  It beat very slowly for almost an hour.

It was a neat thing to be able to hold Pearl while she wasn't connected to any machines.  We were able to snuggle her and give her lots of tight squeezes without the ventilator tube getting in the way.  As Kyle and I held her for that last hour, it was amazing to watch as her tiny body because just that... a body.  A perfectly dear and sweet body that would someday house a mighty spirit again, but for the meantime, just a body.  When the doctor checked her heartbeat for the last time and confirmed that it had stopped, I had one last burst of tears but then passed her to the bereavement specialist, Heather, with surprisingly less pain than I imagined.  I was certain that our Pearl was somewhere else.  Probably in the arms of her grandpa, my dad who passed away almost 20 years ago.  We all joked that my dad was shoving the other spirits out of the way to be the first one to hold his granddaughter, just as he used to do with my cute niece when she would come to visit years ago before he died.

Just before Pearl passed away, Heather asked us which mortuary we were planning on having Pearl's body taken to.  This question just about knocked me over.  We had been so deeply focused on saying goodbye that Kyle nor I had even begun to think about the logistics of what saying goodbye meant.  A mortuary.  A funeral or graveside service.  Burial.  Graveside marker.  Etc.  It was a bit overwhelming to think about.  Pearl passed away on a Monday and we were gratefully able to take care of all the details the next day and get things arranged for a graveside service on Wednesday.

As we arrived home from the hospital Monday night, I received word that my dear friend and neighbor wanted to make a dress for Pearl to be buried in.  I was completely overwhelmed with gratitude at this gesture.  I had not yet considered what Pearl should wear and I am certain it would have been difficult to find anything appropriate so quickly that would fit her tiny body.  I knew this friend would make something absolutely wonderful.  All I told her was that I wanted something sweet and simple, and I left the rest up to her.  My friend spent hours, no doubt long into the night, creating Pearl's dress and when she brought it over to me on Wednesday morning, I just cried.  It was everything Pearl was: tiny and sweet and absolutely perfect.  And the best part of all, she had made two of them.  One for Pearl to wear and one for me to keep.  A real treasure.  My amazing sister also surprised me with the most delicate little white booties she had crocheted for Pearl to be buried in.  Again, I was overcome with gratitude.

I made the decision that I did not want to be the one to dress Pearl at the mortuary.  I was worried about what her body might look like and I did not want to have that be my last memory of her.  I had planned on dropping the dress and booties off to the mortuary director and letting them dress her before sealing her casket.  However, my mom and three sisters offered to dress her for me.  I wept at their kindness.  I knew it would be an emotionally difficult thing for them to do, but they wanted to do it because they love me.  And they love Pearl.  They came and got the dress, booties, and a pearl bracelet that my sweet cousin had given to us (with matching bracelets for me and my other three girls), and headed to the mortuary just a couple of hours before the scheduled graveside service.  To have the four women I know and love more than any women on earth, tenderly dressing Pearl for the last time and gingerly laying her body to rest, was a precious gift.  I don't think I can ever express to them how much it meant to me.  They have each told me what a special time it was for them too.

About two hours before the service was to begin, my sister called me from the mortuary.  My mom and sisters wanted me to know that Pearl looked absolutely beautiful and they gingerly suggested that we may want to come see her one last time.  I instantly knew that I needed to go.  After a brief discussion with Kyle, we decided to pack all the kids in the car and head to the mortuary together.  I will forever be grateful we did.

As we walked into the mortuary, I was surprised that Pearl's body and casket were in the open room where viewings are usually held.  There was a reverent, peaceful feeling in the room.  One of my sisters was sitting in a chair near the casket holding my precious baby.  As I walked up, I was immediately overtaken with emotion at how beautiful she looked.  My neighbor later told me that she had prayed and prayed while she worked on Pearl's dress that the dress would be perfect and it was just that.  Perfect.

She looked like an angel.

My kids had each written a note to Pearl, which they left for her in her casket.  The notes were filled with all the love in the world for their baby sister.  We were able to hold and admire Pearl in awe one last time, then lay her beautiful body in the casket and walk away without any regrets.