What I learned from Pearl

"The most extraordinary thing about the oyster is this.  Irritations get into his shell.

He does not like them.  But when he cannot get rid of them,

he uses the irritation to do the loveliest thing an oyster ever has a chance to do.

If there are irritations in our lives today, there is only one prescription:

Make a Pearl.

It may have to be a pearl of patience, but anyhow, make a Pearl.

And it takes faith and love to do it."

                                                                   - Harry Emerson Fosdick

We had a small graveside service for Pearl on September 11th.  She was buried in the perfect spot, right above my Dad's grave.

Kyle and I both shared some thoughts, as well as our wonderful Bishop who happens to also be our brother-in-law, and our sweet stake president.

Several of Kyle's and my nieces and nephews played a rendition of "I Am a Child of God" on their violins and cello.  They literally had less than an hour to practice together, and yet they played breathtakingly beautiful.  I am pretty certain there was not one dry eye during their performance.

Henry and Kyle were the pall bearers.  Henry was beaming with pride.

Ellie lead the music, at her request.  She looked so amazingly grown up standing there next to her baby sister's casket.  So brave and mature.

We were surrounded by dear family and a few close friends.  It was a sunny, beautiful day...

Beautiful in every way.

 

Below are the words that Kyle and I shared at the graveside service.  We feel a desire to post them here, with hopes that what we learned from Pearl can somehow help others.  Although losing Pearl continues to bring a huge sense of loss and pain, we have an unwavering testimony that the Plan of Salvation is real and that we can be happy and whole through the love of our perfect Savior and Father.  We want to share this testimony with everyone we can.

Lisa's Thoughts:  What I Learned From Pearl

Pearl was 1 lb. 9 oz., 12 in long, with the blondest hair, long blond eyelashes, tiny nose, and sweet distinct lips.  She had a rough road from the beginning but she was a fighter from day one.  Over the last couple of months as we struggled to give her a chance and the 3 short days she graced us with her physical presence, she taught us volumes.  Her giant spirit in her tiny body has helped to make me a better person.  I wish so badly you could have each had the chance to get to know Pearl.  But since most of you did not, I wanted to share just three of the many things that I learned from Pearl.

Pearl taught me that we can do hard things:

This life is a chance for us to learn and grow.  This growth often comes through adversity and trial.  And sometimes these trials push us to the very brink of what we think we can handle.  We may have to feel alone.  We may have to be in situations that we don’t understand.  We may have to watch loved ones suffer.  And yet, we have been promised that we will never be asked to do more than the Lord knows we can handle.  It was this promise that got me through some of my darkest days while I was in the hospital, fighting to give Pearl a chance.

Richard G. Scott said, “Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.”

While I was in the hospital, I started to read the Book of Mormon from the beginning.  As I read about Lehi and his family, I came across several scriptures in which Lehi or Nephi described their “time in the wilderness.”  This time for them seemed to be filled with some of the most trying difficulties they had.  I too came to see my own struggles as my time “in the wilderness.”  One day I came across a scripture in 2 Nephi 8:3.

“And he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord.  Joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving and the voice of melody.”

At the time I read this, I felt the spirit testify to me that at some point I would be able to see my wilderness as Eden- a time that brought joy and gladness.  I testify to you today that my time in the wilderness was worth it, and it has already become my Eden.  I testify that we can do hard things.

Pearl taught me that family is everything:

Even before Pearl was born, and I was lying in a hospital bed away from the rest of my family, Pearl deepened my understanding of the importance of families.  There is nothing more wonderful then being a part of and close to a loving family.  Because of Pearl, I want to be more patient when the kids are whining or arguing with one another.  I want to not get overwhelmed when one child has to be to soccer and another to piano, at the exact same time, but be thankful that I’m their mom and able to get them where they need to be.  I want to turn off the vacuum and sit and play Barbies with Lucy when she asks for the 17^th time that day or step away from the computer to play dodgeball on the tramp with Henry.  I want to welcome Kyle home each day with a big hug and kiss and let him know continually how truly amazing he is.  I want to get through the good days and the hard days of motherhood with gratitude in my heart.  It is not always easy, but Pearl has taught me that families are worth fighting for.  Always.  On Monday morning as we were at the bedside of Pearl and knew things were not looking good for her, Kyle and I were standing on each side of her bed.  We had our hands reached in the enclosure and were holding her tiny hand in our finger.  We sat there for a while, wanting to touch our baby every chance we had.  At one point, Kyle pulled his hand out and sat down for a rest.  Only a minute later, the skinniest, tiniest arm reached out towards Dad.  So Kyle stood up and held her hand again.  Pearl understood that we needed each other at that time.  I believe she fought with all she had for 3 days to give our family time to come together and get to know her and feel her as a daughter and sister.  Families are worth reaching and stretching for.  Families are everything.

Most importantly, Pearl taught me that God is our Father:

I saw God’s hand in everything and everyone that was around Pearl.  From the amazing doctor’s and nurses that cared for her around the clock, to the astounding medical advances that kept her alive, to you family and friends that buoyed us up doing all you could to ease our burdens.  And just being near Pearl, I could feel God’s presence; seeing her perfect tiny body yet feeling with certainty that Pearl was much more than that frail little body.

Sometimes it is hard to imagine such a powerful, all knowing being as a loving Father, but God is literally our perfect father.  He knows us better than we know ourselves.  Sometimes He lets us stumble and fall and even feel alone, and yet He is always there.  As Kyle and I knelt on the floor of the neonatologist’s office after he had given us the final bleak news about Pearl’s condition, I felt my Heavenly Father’s presence more strongly than I have ever felt before.  I felt His love surrounding us.  I felt His knowledge guiding us.  I felt His desire for His sweet daughter Pearl, and I knew He was going to make sure we were okay.  Elder Ballard said,

“God is our Father, He cares about us individually, and as long as we continue to exercise our faith and trust in Him there is nothing to fear in the journey.”

I know this to be true.  God is our Father.

I will forever be changed my sweet baby Pearl.  I plead to never forget the experiences we had over the last couple of months, and especially over the past several days.  She is a special little girl.  I love her dearly.  And I testify that because of a loving Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ, I will get to be with my baby again.  I testify that our wildernesses can become Eden’s.  I testify that Jesus Christ suffered, unbelievable amounts of pain, to be able to succor us and help us rise above all of our struggles.  I testify that the Plan of Salvation is real and that true happiness can only be found as we strive to live the gospel.

Kyle's Thoughts

We have been tremendously blessed by our little daughter, Pearl.  It was over 10 weeks ago that we thought we lost her to miscarriage.  On July 1^st Lisa experienced a placental abruption with significant bleeding and we hurried to the emergency room.  It was a long drive and all I could think about was there was no way the pregnancy was still viable.  To my surprise when the ER doctor listened for a heartbeat, there was a strong, consistent beat and the road for Pearl’s survival was on.

Over the last 10 weeks Lisa has been basically in bed for 9 of them, including being in a hospital bed for almost 4 weeks.  It was a difficult time for all of us.  In fact, on Monday evening after a very sweet time as a family with Pearl, Jane commented, with some exhaustion, “so we did all of that work for nothing?”  I didn’t get a chance to respond to her question, and I want to briefly do so. 

First of all, I’m glad she said “we” did all of that work.  We, meaning everyone here, and dozens upon dozens of other people sacrificed and worked to give Pearl the best chance possible.  We express our deep gratitude for your work, service, and sacrifice on our behalf and for Pearl.  So many people reached out in remarkable ways to bless our family. 

Second, it was not for nothing.  Not even close.  We got to enjoy this sweet little girl for 3 and a half days, have learned so much, and hope to continue learning from her and from this experience.  We’d do it again if we could have another 3 days with her.  All that work was certainly for something great, and we are grateful for what has been received.

Pearl really is a beautiful part of our family.  After Pearl was delivered I was in the adjoining room watching the neonatologist and her team work to resuscitate our little girl.  Of course, because I don’t handle such scenes very well (I have even fainted at the eye doctor) I had to sit down to prevent falling down from fainting.  After a few moments (I wasn’t too queasy) I went back into the operating room to be by Lisa while I regained my strength.  I went from standing, to sitting, to ultimately laying on the OR room floor with my feet up on the chair and the anesthesiologist serving me a soda to help the situation.  I eventually felt good enough to sit up in the chair and the doctors were finishing up putting Lisa back together.  And by then Pearl was headed to the NICU.  While sitting there I watched as the anesthesiologist noticed one of the OR lights had burned out.  He decided he would change it, and commented on the likely bureaucratic rules he was breaking.  It was one of those big fixtures with super bright lights that can be adjusted all around to suit the physicians and he opened up the front and pulled out a rather small bulb.  He mentioned how he was surprised how small the bulb was, given that it gave off such an extremely bright light.  And he said “that’s probably why they burn out so fast because they are so bright.”  And looking back I can’t help but relate that to our sweet Pearl.  So small, so bright in her countenance and strong will and purity, in fact, so extremely bright that her little body just burned out quicker than we had hoped.

If it were up to us we would have certainly wanted a different outcome, but thankfully we felt a powerful inspiration of what was the right plan for Pearl and therefore what was best for her. 

The doctrine is crystal clear regarding young children.  Mormon taught that little children are whole and that little children are alive in Christ.  Joseph Smith was shown a vision of the celestial kingdom where he saw his father and his brother, Alvin, who had died before he had the chance to be baptized.  Joseph was taught, as recorded in Doctrine and Covenants Section 137 that “all children who die before they arrive at the years of accountability are saved in the celestial kingdom of heaven.”  There is no question, thanks to the plan of salvation and the atonement of the Savior, as to what Pearl’s future holds and what her ultimate destiny is.  I humbly raise my voice as a witness of the Savior and His role in preparing the way for families to be united forever.  And with love for our dear little daughter and for all of our family I share my knowledge that our Father lives.  He loves us all and he cares for us as His children in the right way.